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Transmissions from Jan. 17th, 2022 (Week One, Day One)




i can scuba dive without oxygen because i have the power of christ and also i have gills



if i die, i want King Diamond to do a falsetto note for 8 hours at my funeral and if he stops for any reason at all then he will be banned from ever doing a music again



bill gates was all like “computer” and then he cured aids



*horse voice* can i borrow a pencil



the only reason i’m not already in hell is because i was proven innocent on trial for using the likeness of the president without asking in my 5 hour long film “the president will be killed by me”



powerade to zoomers is like when cigarettes first came out and doctors started prescribing them. we don’t know the true harm powerade can do



fun geography fact: italy



terrorists have resorted to using tom and jerry-style hijinks to demolish the american way of life



the police only exist to stop me from fighting the live lobsters in the grocery store



The Ronald McDonald House isn’t a charity organization that’s just where he lives



you dastardly criminals!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *i unhinge my jaw to reveal my wet brown mouth* my golden coins…….. taken by hoodlums!!!!!!!!!!!



just bought a trailer park for 2 etherium so now i qualify as an entrepreneur



you grow hair because it’s a natural bodily function, i grow hair because the soil on my grandfather’s farm is rich in minerals. we are not the same



the american dream consists of buying a house, starting a family, giving birth to your disgusting baby, starting a small fire, and giving all of your money to Sclumpus, the tree cursed to be alive in 1927



whoever said that laughter is the best medicine should have their medical license revoked and then thrown into a well in the middle of town square while the citizens of whatever 1880s town they live in hoot and holler and throw their hats up into their air



i have never once in my life done a silly little dance and i’ll be damned if i start now



once i have eradicated the oceans of earth, phase two of my plan will begin; i will grab bill clinton by the ankles and swing him around like in mario 64



your honor i was merely doing something for my prank show called “I Will Actually Murder You” where we set up hidden cameras and then evade taxes



if you pay me $8 on patreon then i will come to your house and make it look like your dog is walking upright



so you’re saying the only thing i have to do to become actively involved in the lawmaking process is just be really really old



i don’t know what the internet is



hulk hogan: America’s sweetheart



in order to truly reach your full potential you must shit fully naked in public



my only superpower is being able to make women instantly roll their eyes in my presence



to whom it may concern: we must unfortunately decline your application to Harvard Law School as you are not exactly what we are looking for in a student due to the “amount of grease on my asshole” or “awesome skatebored [sic] tricks” you can do. we wish you well on your educational endeavors.