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Transmissions from Jan. 17th, 2022 (Week One, Day One)

i can scuba dive without oxygen because i have the power of christ and also i have gills

if i die, i want King Diamond to do a falsetto note for 8 hours at my funeral and if he stops for any reason at all then he will be banned from ever doing a music again

bill gates was all like “computer” and then he cured aids

*horse voice* can i borrow a pencil

the only reason i’m not already in hell is because i was proven innocent on trial for using the likeness of the president without asking in my 5 hour long film “the president will be killed by me”

powerade to zoomers is like when cigarettes first came out and doctors started prescribing them. we don’t know the true harm powerade can do

fun geography fact: italy

terrorists have resorted to using tom and jerry-style hijinks to demolish the american way of life

the police only exist to stop me from fighting the live lobsters in the grocery store

The Ronald McDonald House isn’t a charity organization that’s just where he lives

you dastardly criminals!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *i unhinge my jaw to reveal my wet brown mouth* my golden coins…….. taken by hoodlums!!!!!!!!!!!

just bought a trailer park for 2 etherium so now i qualify as an entrepreneur

you grow hair because it’s a natural bodily function, i grow hair because the soil on my grandfather’s farm is rich in minerals. we are not the same

the american dream consists of buying a house, starting a family, giving birth to your disgusting baby, starting a small fire, and giving all of your money to Sclumpus, the tree cursed to be alive in 1927

whoever said that laughter is the best medicine should have their medical license revoked and then thrown into a well in the middle of town square while the citizens of whatever 1880s town they live in hoot and holler and throw their hats up into their air

i have never once in my life done a silly little dance and i’ll be damned if i start now

once i have eradicated the oceans of earth, phase two of my plan will begin; i will grab bill clinton by the ankles and swing him around like in mario 64

your honor i was merely doing something for my prank show called “I Will Actually Murder You” where we set up hidden cameras and then evade taxes

if you pay me $8 on patreon then i will come to your house and make it look like your dog is walking upright

so you’re saying the only thing i have to do to become actively involved in the lawmaking process is just be really really old

i don’t know what the internet is

hulk hogan: America’s sweetheart

in order to truly reach your full potential you must shit fully naked in public

my only superpower is being able to make women instantly roll their eyes in my presence

to whom it may concern: we must unfortunately decline your application to Harvard Law School as you are not exactly what we are looking for in a student due to the “amount of grease on my asshole” or “awesome skatebored [sic] tricks” you can do. we wish you well on your educational endeavors.