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Transmissions from Jan. 7th, 2022 (The Pre-Website Funnies)

i saw Maniac Cop in theaters yesterday and Robert Z’Dar was there and kept trying to get everyone to clap when he was on screen

cowboy hats should be bigger i think. it would benefit both the economy and the long protruding monolith of skin that has been erected on top of my skull

“please sir,” i whimper like a chained-up german shepherd “i’ll do anything” the man holding my copy of ‘How To Tear A Book In Half’ attempts to rip the book but can’t because he’s illiterate and can’t read the book, i do that one pose from the end of the breakfast club and i am shot immediately

breaking news: joe biden makes a law saying that you can come over to my house and play but we can’t use the computer downstairs because my dad is doing taxes

i will never be arrested because i shrunk the cops with my shrink ray so they’re all very tiny

google dot com search “what happens if i accidentally swallow my gum”

hooo buddy you don’t even wanna know what i’ll do to you if you don’t get off my freshly trimmed lawn *i start charging up my beam attack*

i went to bill clinton’s inauguration and started pretending to pinch his little head and the police put me in jail for 30 days and nights. so much for the “tolerant left”

for 10$ you can punch my step-son and for 11$ you can go fuck yourself

on October 6th, 2025 i will be crushed by a big cartoonish anvil and die tragically but my body will unfold like an accordian so there’s a few upsides

i snap my fingers and say “ketchup please” which my formally dressed monkey butler Franklin responds to and delivers a bottle of the finest Catsup in the tristate area on a silver platter. i drape the ketchup onto a stick of gum and place it under my tongue

(inside a tobacco shop) i’m here to return this root beer vape because it tastes bad and i don’t like root beer and i don’t like vaping

children are the most impressionable creatures on the planet which makes it my mission to press a cookie cutter on the forehead of every child and watch as their skin molds into the shape of the death star from that one movie

if i was president i would get a blowjob from monica lewinsky and NOT get caught like a chump

both of my legs were blown off by a grenade in world war two and both of my arms got caught in a revolving door in the hotel that a furry convention was happening in

currently growing out my beard so i can walk into a bear enclosure and pet all the bears because they think i’m dan haggerty

i got arrested because i showed my bare ass to george h w bush and it’s basically the modern day version of the romans crucifying jesus

i have been elected the mayor of Uganda and my first decree is to replace the judicial system with swag

the whereabouts of your father’s corpse are contained on this Betamax tape but in order to view it you must answer my riddles three: question one send me a naughty picture~

patrick bartman lives in the dvd

giving up pooping for lent

you’re a fake alt rock fan if you don’t name your first-born after Hoobastank

i will never go comatose because if i fall asleep then the microchip inside my cerebellum will inject my brain with horse piss

nobody in the world has seen what i have. i saw some dude in a parking lot doin it up with his homies

Fun Fact: the internet was made by jesus

i cause 70% of all pollution but it's mostly because the oil rig in my backyard also feeds directly into the pacific ocean

“be gone with you!” i shout at the neighborhood rat tribe which has congregated on my porch “my uncle is a firefighter and he could kick your butts”

everyone is dead and your souls are all interconnected within my brain so it really shouldn’t matter if i get arrested for larceny because nobody exists other than myself

that borat fella sure does make me chuckle *i silently laugh to myself and begin chopping up various vegetables to put into a large cauldron of boiling water in which a kazakhstani man resides*

whoever invented the tickle fight should get a nobel prize

i will crush yoda until he is a small green stain on my carpet

there is a shriveled ape-like creature that lives under the stairs that lead to my basement but he gives me advice with girls sometimes

cannibal holocaust is a coming of age film

jfk stands for jaundice feels good

sorry boss i had to grab my gimp suit from the dry cleaners

i was born (Multiple sources claim this statement is false.)

i’m gonna start a new group called “the brotherhood of dead dads” and the catch is that all of our dads are alive so that we can trick people into throwing quarters at us

if i was a soda i would be sewer water

i invented a new cryptocurrency called “shitcoin” which is the only crypto to actively make you smell bad and wire money from your savings account to mine

three things you must know about me:
1) i was cut open because some dude wanted to see what was up
2) i was trapped under my dad’s mattress for the majority of my pre-teens
3) i own a vhs tape of my own death

shakespeare wrote a bunch of dick jokes and everyone said “hmmm i think that’s pretty cool” but when i spray paint my personal thoughts on dostoevsky across a public school then i become a hoodlum

i keep a notebook and i write about the life and times of my fictional persona named “Dick Suckle” who is a detective in the 1940s who can shoot lasers out of his eyes and is also incredibly misogynistic

jim davis is literally the modern day socrates and garfield is plato which makes odie aristotle

the most badass thing that anyone ever did was figure out how to smoke dank kush but the second most badass thing was figuring out why i shit standing up

my martial arts training has mostly been the instructor teaching me how to breakdance and try and pass off jokes from Monty Python as his own

currently getting carried away by a bald eagle after tremendously losing an argument about the economy